The Year of Meh

New year, new me.

This is the year I am going to be better. Do better.

This is the year I will be a better person.

This is the year I will fix this part of myself I hate.

F that.

I have never felt good enough. I have always felt that I needed to start a new year by finding ways to be a “better me”, a “better person”, a “better human”. I have always wanted to start the year with some extensive plan on how to no longer be a garbage person. I have journals upon journals of step-by-step plans to somehow make myself worthy. Because the truth is, the self-loathing inside me runs deep and strong.

Many of you may find that sad. You will find it sad to know the depths to which I do not like myself. I am not always open with the extremity of my self-loathing because it makes people uncomfortable. And that doesn’t fit with the me I want to present. That, in my mind, makes me even worse.

But the truth is I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this feeling of self-loathing. We all have it at varying degrees. Though some New Year’s resolutions may be truly beneficial I think most come from this same core feeling that this is the year I will make myself worthy. I will make myself good enough.